I haven’t written in a long time. Some because I have had some wonderful people to externally process with, some because the things I’ve been processing with have felt too difficult to put into real-life, written down words and some because I offically ran out. I ran out of anything extra at all. All the extra time, money, energy and care that Kirk and I worked so hard to earmark for others got used up in the utter lack of this last season. Starting our business while continuing to homeschool and, oh yeah, having another baby has almost killed me. Or, at least, almost put me in the hospital. But, really it wasn’t those things, exactly.
I was rereading my last blog, and it was truly the detox off all my drugs that has done me in. The smashing, and occasional slow disassembling of all of the idols I have used to feel safe has left me so panicky, shaky, short of breath and deeply tired that there was no way to give anything to anyone at all. I told Kirk it’s felt a lot like birth. But not the beautiful idea of birth that we sometimes imagine. The REAL birth, at least for me. The one that takes every amount of focus from me that famous popstars could be sumo wrestling for the role of supreme world leader in my room and I would just yell at them to be quiet. And in this long, long, long season of labor, most people and their situations and their needs have just sailed past me unnoticed as I struggled to take one breath at a time. Until, this last stronghold has fallen.
I mean, maybe. Hopefully. It feels like it, though, the BIG one. There was a charge in the bible that I didn’t realize was the key to the idol I had built my world upon. “Do not worry about tomorrow. Let every day take care of itself.” Oof. You guys. In every personality test that I’ve taken, from enneagram to Meyers-Briggs, my “responsibility” scale is off the charts. I daily wrestle with the knowledge of a sovereign God but worry deep down that I have to do my part, right? That’s stewardship, right? And until this season brought me to a dead end, I would say, you know it! I do my part and more! I’m covered. But, in my heavy stewardship, I had not released God to carry my every day.
When I was younger, one of the things I really wanted from my adult life was financial stability. So when the Lord called us into mission work, I was like, of course, this figures. You’re dealing with that idol. I get it. And I did learn in that season. But then, that season ended, a little abruptly. We launched into owning a business, another big fear of mine, both for the financial instability and the worry that I wouldn’t be able to figure out taxes ( a real and necessary fear, goodness.) Now we have worked 100 hour weeks for years, trying every type of marketing and recalibrating to make our business viable enough for our giant family, and still not made enough. And my anger has raged at the Lord for His not meeting my expectations of our needs and how my lack has brought, firstly, embarrassment, then frustration, then this humble yielding to the fact that I could no longer support my people and my communities in the way I wanted and felt I was required to. And I thought I was done. But then, too, that season ended, and the Lord provided, at the last minute, a place for us to move our business. However even that is temporary, and I have been forced to deal, head on, with the biggest of my idols.
I have to admit, I stopped typing here. I didn’t know how to type this next part without making you all feel something….negative. Guilt, pity, confusion, derision. But, this is the story. This is what is. So, we’re all in it now. Continue at risk.
I don’t know how we will have income after next week. And I have felt straight-up forbidden by the Lord to look for alternate paths. So, here we are, walking toward July like Abraham taking Isaac up Mount Moriah, knowing that this will end in either a disaster or glory I could never fathom, much less produce. It will be what He wants it to be. I will get up tomorrow and work, and then the next day I will do what it requires, and onward. There is no long term plan. There is no strong show of stewardship or planning. There is only obedience, letting this day take care of itself. And on my worst days, when I wonder if God is truly for me or even there at all, I struggle. I cry and I can’t breathe, and I’m sure its fairly obvious from looking at me that I am rifling through dresser drawers in my mind, trying to find the idol that can save me. But there is a spotify list of songs that remind me that He is Kind, and that I’ve pledged not to go anywhere if He won’t go before me and that when I taste His goodness, I shall not want. And I play it, on repeat, louder than my phone thinks is good for my hearing. And on good days, like today, I rest. I rest all day. I work hard and feed children and teach and bake goods for the trailer and balance unbalancable accounts and I rest in. it. all.
Rest assured, there will be more, especially if July leads to further trial. But now, it’s life, drug free. Idol free. Me free – I can do nothing, and there is nothing but Jesus to save me. So, watch and pray with us.