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Inside My Bedroom

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This is a photo of what has been Kirk and my bedroom at LifeHouse. Kirk has always called it my office – I would cuddle up on my side of the bed to do my work whenever I could. I know it doesn’t look like much now, but it has seen, easily, the most painful, transformative season of my entire life.

I fell in love with the color as soon as we moved in, which was after we had been at LifeHouse for about 5 months. The bright color was both energizing and soothing. It was in this room that we decided to try for another baby. It was in this room that I laid for months, sick around the clock, crying and sleeping and feeling helpless as Kirk carried, graciously, both our ministry and our children. It was in this room that Kirk and I had too many arguments about how to handle the crises’ that surrounded us. It was here that I cried out to the Lord, raging at Him, that the task He had given was too much and why would He not help me??? It was here that I laid on the floor, begging Him just let me sleep, for a long time, if not forever, simply for relief from the burden of our ministry. It was in this room that He began to give me dream after similar dream of provision and rest. It was in this bright, comfortable room that I laid for precious hours with our new baby, my little spark of joy that started me out of my hurt. It was here that we felt the weight and burden lift, that we felt released to seek a new path….
As I packed and prepared for our recent move, I have felt just so, so, so sad to leave our room, my room. I wish I could take it with me. It’s not very big, and the paint is chipped from squishing in an extra crib and dresser. But, it’s walls have seen me at my very, absolute worst. It has seen me rage and sob and love and grieve and panic and fall asleep, either in stressed exhaustion or new mommy bliss. The carpet has had me on my knees probably more than on my feet, praying or crying… or maybe I really paced more than knelt, calling mentors and friends for advice and encouragement or just to vent. This room has heard my every secret, seen my levels of surrender to the Lord, over and over, deeper each time. “I don’t want to, but I will do what is Your will. I cannot bear it, but I will try if that’s what you are asking.” I did not always have a good attitude, which is difficult for the perfectionist in me. But, that “pleaser” has been stripped away the last few years, as I reached a place where survival, not perfection, was the goal. Where simply breathing in and moving forward and stepping outside my bedroom door and getting back in the fight was the baseline. What a beautiful thing, to reach the place where it is only God working, where I can take no credit at all. And the reason for it was the safety of that turquoise room, the place where I came to do business with God, my “holy of holys”…
Today was our last day at Lifehouse, and I spent some of the time cleaning and preparing the apartment for the new houseparents, who I adore. As I cleaned, I prayed, especially over our room. I prayed that it would be a place of refuge and rest. A place where their marriage would grow and be blessed. A place where they would hear from the Lord and receive vision and wisdom as they continue in the important work that is done here.
We are staying with my in-laws for the next few weeks until our new apartment is ready, and I hope that it will be a sanctuary for another season…

Love you guys! Can’t wait to show you pictures of our new place!!!!

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