It’s interesting, one thing I didn’t expect about the missions journey was how like a relationship it would become. Are lots of things in life like that? I felt almost like I had a new boyfriend, and each new “date” made me fall more and more in love. I was excited for all of the possibilities, all of the challenges, for every way that we clicked together. And then, it ended, and I felt like I’d been broken up with. I felt confused, hurt, abandoned, sad for the loss of all of my dreaming. I wasn’t really sure where to go from there… Was that going to go away? Was it okay to feel like that? I just felt sad for a while – places we would go and people we would meet reminded me of the path that had been closed off. Then, we started to look for new opportunities – we still know that God is nowhere near done with us. And then, something amazing started to happen. One job in particular came up and I fell head over heels for it. I was shocked by how my heart rose up at the opportunity for this new position. And with that feeling, came tears. Tears of relief, of joy. I am not broken, I am not destined to live desolate for a job that I couldn’t have. There are other things out there, other “loves”, other ministry fish in the sea. I cannot even describe the peace that filled me from the knowledge that God has plans for me, and He hasn’t forgotten them. I realized that my heart is in love with using the gifts God has placed in me, that I am in love with using them for His good purpose. And that is a relief, too.I heard this song on the radio the other day by Jason Gray. The chorus says “It’s gotta be more like falling in love than something to believe in. More like losing my heart, than giving my allegiance.” And it’s so true. Following God wherever or however, it has to be out of love. Love for God, and wanting to use what He gave me to the best of my ability. Love for people, and wanting to serve them, give to them, baptize them in the endless grace of Christ.
This year has been a lot of stretching and learning, but I am so thankful. Like I said before, I feel younger than I ever have. I know less than ever before, and I am weak in so many ways. But God gives a great promise in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Let this all be a record of my weaknesses, and God’s great strength and movement even through it all. Thanks for all your prayers, friends, and please continue to pray for hearts that lean on God and for ears to follow His directions.