So today was a normal mom day in that it was a little overwhelming. We had an early appointment with the ENT – LileeLark got a great report from the doctor. Her tongue tie is minimal, so there is no need for revision. We just need to keep working with the pediatrician and lactation consultant to get her nursing better. But she still spent a fair amount of the day fussy, and that makes just makes everything so much harder. When Kirk got back from a conference he was at this afternoon, I told him I needed just a little bit of time. I disappeared into our room and turned on some music (yay Pandora – Housefires!)
Ever since starting into full-time ministry, I feel like my whole relationship with God has changed and grown in many ways. As I’ve grown older, I’ve seen sides of people and of the world that I didn’t really know about or understand before. As I bring God into each of these new understandings, I learn more and more, and at the same time, less and less. I was having a pretty heavy conversation with a friend last night that left me chewing on the topics all through today. In my time alone this afternoon, I just lifted my confused thoughts up to God. A song came on the radio, Breathe You In God by the Torwalts. As I listened to the verses, “You are good, God, for You are good to me,” I had to really think on that. Are you good, God? Even with all of the things I don’t understand? Even with all of the things that make me anxious and afraid and sad, are you good? Can I believe that? I thought to how the bible asks us to believe like little children (Luke 18:17, Mat 18:3). Little children just trust and believe their daddies. If Dad says it’s going to be ok, so it will be. They aren’t so wrapped up in all that they don’t know or understand, their parents carry that. I thought about Adam and Eve, who had no fear in them before the fall. They trusted and were at ease with the Lord. And I just prayed in my heart, “God, there is so much I don’t understand. So much that I don’t know how to process. My mind is just a tornado of information, and I can never get quite the grip on it… but I will trust you, I will believe You are good.”
And right then in my room the song fell to the bridge, “When I don’t understand, I will choose You. When I don’t understand, I will choose to love you, God….” Thank you, God, for meeting me right when I needed you. For knowing how little I know and understand. For confirming in my heart that I can trust You, even when nothing makes any sense.
If anyone else out there worries like I do, rest in knowing that God loves us seeking Him out – “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and He will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.” James 1:5. God is good. He loves us, and He likes us, too. He has a plan for us. And I choose to rest in that.
Love, love, love,